Hershel Korngut’s Top 5 Anger Management Tips for Couples

Anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences at some point. When it comes to couples, managing anger effectively is crucial to maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship. Hershel Korngut, a renowned relationship therapist, emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing anger in a constructive way to avoid damaging the emotional bond between partners. By adopting strategies to manage anger, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and preserve the love and trust they share.

Below, we explore five powerful anger management tips for couples that can help both partners navigate conflict with greater understanding, compassion, and respect.

1. Pause and Breathe Before Reacting

When anger strikes, it's easy to react impulsively and say things in the heat of the moment that can hurt your partner. However, taking a brief pause before reacting can make all the difference. This simple but effective strategy involves recognizing that you are angry and taking a step back to cool down before responding.

In the heat of an argument, it’s common for emotions to cloud judgment. Pausing for a moment—whether it's a few seconds or a couple of minutes—allows both partners the opportunity to breathe and regain control of their emotions. During this time, focus on your breathing to calm your nervous system and reduce the intensity of your anger.

This strategy isn’t about avoiding the issue; it’s about responding thoughtfully rather than impulsively. When both partners take a moment to gather themselves, they are more likely to approach the conversation with a clearer mind and a more rational perspective.

Key Tip: Practice mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing, to help calm your mind and body in moments of frustration. When you feel anger rising, pause, breathe, and give yourself space to process before reacting.

2. Communicate with "I" Statements

Effective communication is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Instead of assigning blame or pointing fingers, it’s more constructive to focus on your own feelings and needs. One way to do this is by using "I" statements, which allow you to express yourself in a way that encourages understanding rather than defensiveness.

For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” try saying, “I feel unheard and frustrated when we’re talking, and I’d like us to work on listening more closely.” By focusing on your own emotions rather than accusing your partner, you reduce the likelihood of them becoming defensive.

"I" statements help de-escalate conflicts by ensuring that both partners feel respected and heard. When both individuals feel that they are being listened to, it creates a safer space for open dialogue and mutual problem-solving.

Key Tip: If you’re upset, express your feelings with "I" statements like, “I feel...” or “I need...” This shifts the focus from blaming your partner to expressing your own emotional experience.

3. Acknowledge Each Other’s Emotions

In any relationship, validating your partner’s emotions is essential, especially during times of anger. Acknowledging each other’s feelings shows empathy and fosters emotional connection. When one partner feels understood and supported, it can significantly reduce the tension between both individuals.

When you're angry, it’s natural to want to feel heard and understood. The same goes for your partner. Acknowledge their feelings by saying things like, “I understand why you’re upset,” or “I can see why that would make you angry.” Even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective, simply acknowledging their feelings creates an environment where both partners feel respected.

It's important to remember that emotions, including anger, are not always rational but are always valid. By validating each other’s feelings, you create space for healthy communication, where both partners feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or dismissal.

Key Tip: Use empathetic statements such as “I understand why you feel that way” to show your partner that you value their emotions and their point of view.

4. Use Time-Outs to Prevent Escalation

Anger can quickly escalate if both partners are speaking over each other, shouting, or raising their voices. A time-out is a simple but highly effective strategy that allows both partners to take a break from the argument before it spirals out of control.

When emotions are running high, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean or take actions that you might regret later. A time-out gives both partners the opportunity to step away from the situation and regroup. This break doesn’t mean the issue is being ignored—it simply means that both partners are taking the time to calm down, reflect, and approach the situation with a clearer mindset.

Agreeing to take a time-out should be mutually decided, and it’s essential to return to the conversation once both individuals have had time to cool off. A time-out should be viewed as a tool for better conflict resolution, not as an escape or avoidance tactic.

Key Tip: When you feel that an argument is escalating, agree to a time-out. After both partners have calmed down, revisit the conversation with a more open and thoughtful mindset.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, anger continues to affect the dynamics of your relationship. In such cases, seeking professional help can be an invaluable resource. Couples therapy or anger management counseling can provide tools, techniques, and strategies to better manage conflict and work through unresolved issues.

A trained therapist can help identify the underlying causes of anger, improve communication skills, and offer personalized strategies to cope with emotions in a healthy way. Therapy can also be a safe space for both partners to express their feelings without judgment, fostering a deeper understanding and emotional connection.

If anger is affecting your relationship in a significant way, don't hesitate to reach out for professional support. It takes courage and commitment to invest in your relationship, but it can ultimately lead to a stronger and more resilient bond between both partners.

Key Tip: If you find yourselves struggling with anger management on your own, seeking help from a couples’ therapist or counselor can provide guidance and support to improve your relationship dynamics.

Conclusion

Anger is a normal and natural emotion, but how we manage it is what makes all the difference in our relationships. By implementing these five anger management strategies, couples can reduce conflict, improve communication, and foster a deeper understanding of one another.

Remember, managing anger in a healthy way doesn’t mean suppressing it—it means acknowledging it, communicating openly, and choosing to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. With patience, empathy, and mutual respect, couples can navigate the challenges of anger and grow stronger together.

By following these tips, couples can create a harmonious environment where both partners feel heard, valued, and loved, even during moments of disagreement.

Hershel Korngut is a renowned therapist who specializes in relationship counseling, and his insights can help couples achieve a deeper level of emotional connection and understanding. Whether you’re facing small frustrations or more significant challenges, implementing strategies like these can make a lasting difference in your relationship.